No record found

Just realized that I destroyed most of the pictures and memorabilia from The Relationship and have no idea where the rest are. Did I throw them out when I moved? Probably just as well (did I really need more wallowing material?) but kind of weird considering how anal I am about preserving historical references.

In retrospect, he should really count himself lucky that I’m not vindictive. Some of those shots would have made him very popular in very seedy places on the Internet if I’d still had them and been the kind of person who would do that to someone.  He should be very, very glad that I cut them into little, teeny, tiny pieces before disposing of them after the end of the fuckmates phase of our relationship. 

I suppose there’s something to be said for trusting the character of someone that you’ve dumped enough to believe that they’d never do anything to harm you even in the face of their pain. He’d have been right—I’d never do that to anyone—but somehow I don’t think it was all trust; I think he really just put it out of his mind so completely that it’s as though they never existed.


No longer standing

For years I’ve been standing at a crossroads in my life, refusing to go down any path, afraid to go down any path. I’ve almost grown roots here. Decisions have always come with difficulty, this one more so than any of the others. The road of my life is littered with the debris of half-finished, half-assed tasks. I like the doing, not the finishing…the challenge, not the capture. I get to 75, 85, or even 95% and can’t bring myself to take it further. 

What’s more sad to me than the fact that I am stuck in…have been stuck in…this rut is that I’m not alone, that thousands, perhaps millions, of others are stuck in their own ruts, looking bleakly at a future they never envisioned in their childhood dreams, assuming they could even afford the leisure of a childhood. Overcoming inertia is difficult.

It’s never simple

Went to bed feeling a shade melancholy last night. If I were bipolar, I’d say I was cycling, rapidly — up one minute, depressed the next, and on and on. Upbeat more often than not but every now and then, it’s like this heavy cloud of anxiety descends on me. The cloud used to linger longer but it seems to go away in hours now, versus weeks or months. But it happens more often as a result.  Woke up tired and full of dream cobwebs but not down.

Had strange dreams. Not unusual when my head is filled to bursting with strange thoughts. Dreamed of some of those many regrets I’ve had. I can picture them as if they were yesterday, all bright colours and sharp angles. I feel a keen regret at missing those opportunities. I don’t want to add more regrets to these ones.