But officer, the wall jumped out and hit me

The despair cyclones and anger waves swirling through me tonight are trying to dissipate but keep smacking against the physical barrier that is my body and turning inwards again. It look so long to build this fucking thing, and I want it gone, now! But I can’t just sweep it away like a good spring cleaning. It took decades to build, layers and layers of fear, anxiety, and pain cemented with self-loathing and given physical form. I don’t know if I have the strength to spend the months, the years it will take to tear it down and expose the person beneath to the light of day. My heart is breaking already and I’ve barely even started.

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Bottoming out

Have waves of despair crashing through me, one of those little cyclones of sadness that keep breaking against me. I hope it is a short one as it’s killing me. Cannot feel my connection with the Universe at all right now but I’ll have to trust that it’s still there under all of this.

Reached out briefly to my mother for help and now understand why I cannot share this ride with her. She doesn’t understand the little smoke signal I sent up and I can’t explain it better. I don’t know that she ever went through this — she certainly doesn’t remember going through menopause and I don’t remember her seeming to go through anything like this then. Mind you, I would have been going through puberty and my post-16 depression at the time so I probably wouldn’t have seen it if she had.

Fasting

Also from astrologer Jonathan Cainer’s site, we have the following interesting tidbits from his Astro Love Computer:

One word is all we need bother with. And that word is ‘appetite’. As in voracious, relentless and insatiable. You disagree? Well maybe that’s because you happen to know one who is currently on a fast. Sometimes, ravenous people get past the point of hunger. Once they do, they can abstain for ages. Especially if they happen to be born under one of the fixed, unyielding sign. Sooner or later though, the desire to get physical will resurface… with a vengeance. But in their time, not anyone else’s.

and

Earth sign people are masters (and mistresses) of disguise. They have to be because, if you and I knew what they were really thinking… we’d blush with embarrassment. Or, to put it another way, Earth sign people are very, very down to earth…They are either ready for everything – or they are interested in nothing.

Fasting. Yes. You could call it that. And it’s surprisingly easy once you get over the withdrawal period. Part of what scares me about this mid-life crisis is that, if I give up the fasting, I don’t know that I can go back again. The cocoon helped and, if I give that up, I won’t have any protection.

Today’s horoscope

From astrologer Jonathan Cainer’s site, today’s horoscope courtesy of astrologer Kathryn Cassidy:

Earlier in the week I spoke about the British pantomime. Today, as the Sun leaves the part of your chart that governs drama, you’ll perhaps forgive me if I return to it again. By the end of a ‘panto’, a villain has always been defeated, true love has conquered all and everyone lives happily ever after. You’ve lived through quite a tale this week. Whilst there might be one last scene to play out, by the close of the day you can laugh and know it’s behind you.