Massive anxiety

Feels like I’m suffocating. Yes, it’s hot and gross here (on a lovely “air quality advisory” day) but it’s more than that. Supposed to be cooler tomorrow and on into the weekend — hope my anxiety eases with the humidex dropping.

Having some financial issues, partly because there have been problems with my last couple of paycheques, and partly because I just suck.

I’ve decided to go back to school so I’ve signed up for some university distance education courses. Well, a degree actually. That is alternately perking me up with excitement and driving me to my knees with pressure: financial, time, energy. The idea of this taking potentially a decade is insane but I don’t have the time, energy, or money to take a full-time course load or more. It’s going to cost about $30,000 or more for the whole degree.

Work has also been an issue. Weird demands, micromanaging, etc. But we did recently that mediocrity is not a bad thing and that 90% OK is good enough. so, whole lot of pressure released there. LOL Had thought that I might be able to get some of the courses covered by work but that idea was killed on Monday before it even got started. I’m both happy and disturbed by that — happy because now I’m just doing it for me and so the pressure to perform is off but disturbed because of the reasons behind the kibosh (reasons I won’t go into here).  

I made the mistake of informing my parents of my decision to go back to school and now I really regret it. It makes me feel like I’m 17 years old and living at home. I’m 42, damn it! Why do my parents turn me into a child whenever I talk to them? Why do most parents do that?

Am alternating between terrible insomnia and borderline narcolepsy. Today, my body is thinking “sleep for 12 hours” but my brain can’t stop spinning in place. And the suffocating pressure in my chest isn’t helping.