…sometimes too far, when it comes to teasing
It’s seems to be something common to most of my friends, this ability to take teasing too far. I’m probably guilty of it myself. What can tip you over the knife edge from being amused even as the butt of the joke to being pissed off is almost random. Doesn’t take much. Just one comment too many on a day when your reservoir is already overflowing.
Today I am tired and I have no reservoir at all, let alone an overflowing one.
I also have a low tolerance for the crap that comes from borrowing or asking a favour from someone. I hate asking someone to do something for me, especially when they’ve made an open-ended offer. As an example, a good friend of mine used to tell me that she would drive me wherever I needed to go but the few times I asked, she either was unable to or stalled so long that I went on my own anyway. After that, I stopped asking. Walking home from the supermarket, laiden like a pack animal, was better than how I felt when I even thought of asking for her help again. However well-intended the offer is, eventually it becomes something that makes me feel like a pariah any time I attempt to take them up on the offer. And it only takes one or two incidents of feeling like that before I start avoiding the offer completely.
I’ve been accused of being a control freak, and sometimes I am. Most times, though, I’m just trying to avoid that roiling in the pit of my stomach that flares up whenever I have to ask for something that I suspect is inconvenient (which almost everything either is or becomes). I can’t find the right word for it but in my head, the vision that accompanies this feeling is one of a slave asking their master for something, knowing that they likely will be beaten instead. It’s a combination of hope, dread, obligation, shame, anxiety, and reluctance, and it manifests as a leaden ball in the solar plexus.