Another year worn down to a nub

So, here I am. Back here again, in much the same place I was this time last year. Not precisely the same place, but near enough that I can feel it nipping at my butt. Still, as close as I am to where I was this time last year, the view is different. Better in some ways, just different in others. Exactly the same in others still.

Still feeling that sense of vibration. It ebbs, it flows, but it persists.

Haven’t looked after myself at all. Volunteered for more than I can mentally handle and so am failing at things I shouldn’t have started. Maybe I’ll learn not to bite off more than I can chew. Strange that my food-bingeing nature extends to other areas of my life. Haven’t ate well, haven’t tried to get healthier. Really need to. I’m so tired I can’t even explain it. It isn’t a normal fatigue, an honest I’ve-done-a-hard-day’s-work kind of tired. It isn’t even an I-haven’t-slept-in-days kind of tired, though I’ve been riddled with insomnia recently. It’s a malnourished, out-of-shape, mentally exhausted, and emotionally spent kind of tired. Totally self-induced, in all likelihood, but that doesn’t help me to overcome it. I don’t even have the energy to feel sad or sorry for myself. Chaos seems to have taken root in my head, my body, and my environment. I need to regain a little control. I know — it seems weird to me, too, that I, control freak that I am, have slipped out of control like this.  

Bought a guitar last year but haven’t touched it since the first couple of weeks. That’s kind of sad. It deserves to be played. My iTunes has cycled back around and McFly is back on top again after disappearing for much of the year. Maybe they’re my introspective, internal growth soundtrack. They’re not alone there this year but they’re headliners.

I’m forever broke — I have taxi-cab and take-out addictions that I need to kick that together are driving me to the poor house.

Still, in all the things I didn’t do, I did manage to do one thing. I did enrol in university part time and have completed one course (of 40) towards my BA. It’s a small step — I have 8+ years ahead of me if I stay at it part-time — but it’s a step forward, a rarity for me these days. And work seems to be going well. Had a few hiccups along the way but feel more positive about it than I have for awhile and it seems to be returning the sentiment.

So, I suppose the year has been a net positive, small though the difference might be. Something to be thankful for, something to be celebrated.

If only I wasn’t so damned tired.

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One thought on “Another year worn down to a nub

  1. I don’t know how to express it, other then intended – with the greatest amount of caring I can muster. Have you considered speaking with a counselor or maybe a life coach to get you over the hump of a couple of issues with which you’re struggling?

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