Inventory of lost dreams

I started writing this post exactly a year ago and it’s still as relevant now as it was then. Don’t know why I never finshed or posted it but here it is now.

I’m trying to remember some of the dreams I’d had, that I’d lost along the way. I’m attracted to brilliance and talent, as if by being near people that close to touching the face of God I might discover the key to unlocking my own potential. It’s sometimes a thing of desperation, as if I can feel time slipping away from me. Too late to build my own dreams, maybe, so latch onto someone else’s and live vicariously through them.

Bull shit!

That’s how I lost 20 years of my life. That’s how I became this stunted, empty person who is so busy watching the seconds tick away on the clock of her life that she doesn’t have time to actually live it. Right now, sensations and desires and needs are rushing in to fill up the void left by 20 years of nothing, all of them warring with each other for supremacy, all of them bearing Light and Dark aspects, to buoy my spirits and dash my hopes. It’s when I get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of them that I cycle down, like a breaker switch shutting off a surge of a power spike.

I’m going to try to articulate some of the dreams, some of the desires:

  • I’m a physical creature who has denied herself physical contact for far too long. It’s makes you go a little squirrelly and now I’m skittish. I don’t mind my own company but my god! I need some social interaction that isn’t virtual. I miss going out dancing and drinking with friends. Damn, I just miss my friends. Most of it is purely physical — I’m unfit, unwell, malnourished, and so tired that I just don’t have the energy to be social in the face of natural introversion. I need to take control of that aspect of myself, instead of letting entropy take charge. That means taking care of myself better.
  • I want to express myself artistically at something that will be “out there”, and not just for family only. But how? Art? Photography? Writing? I’ve made some failed attempts at writing but haven’t really given it my all. I want to take the time to do that more.
  • I miss the spiritual exploration. I haven’t used my cards or done any astrology in years. It’s a catch-22 situation: the more blocked I feel, the less I do these things and the less I do them, the more blocked I feel. I want to go back to them. Back to working with my intuition, with my favourite card decks, with new card decks. Learn more about astrology and other practices that used to interest me. I’ve become practical and mundane and dull, closed to the magic of the universe.

So, those are the areas where I need to concentrate this coming year. If I can even make a small bit of progress in each area, I’ll be pleased. I have so much inertia to overcome in all three areas that I’m not expecting miracles but a little improvement would be so nice.

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Winds of change

are swirling around me. So much like last year, coming back around for another pass.  I can only hope to accomplish more with them than I did last year. I have put things in motion but am afraid to write about them here, for fear of robbing them of their power. But I see physical, spiritual, and mental change — changes for the better — on those winds.

Jonathan Cainer forecast for Thursday, 20th December 2007

Kathryn Cassidy writes: Celestial lines-ups like the one we face today won’t happen again for 248 years! Decisions you take today could change your life in coming months. So finalise a transfer of power; pledge to let go of an old way of life. Discard any self-defeating patterns. Opportunities abound to discover new vistas, freedoms and philosophies in 2008. You’ll only be able to capitalise on these if you eradicate anything that holds you back. That includes your propensity to cling far too tightly to the past.

Jonathan Cainer forecast for Friday, 21st December 2007

Kathryn Cassidy writes: What’s the best chess move of all time? There is no answer. Every game is different. Each requires clever tactics and careful analysis in order to make a path to the King. Somewhere in your world, you have had to make the occasional strategic sacrifice in order to stay in a game. You’ve also had to exhibit incredible patience and tenacity along the way. Today you get to make a final, well-considered decisive move. What’s more it may go down in history as your best one yet.

Trading pain for pain

I watched a little bit of Dr. Phil today while waiting for something else to come on. It was about kids throwing tantrums — not really something I’m overly concerned about, you understand. One of the kids was filmed continually hitting himself in the face during his tantrum. Dr. Phil took a moment to point that, statistically, there were bound to be cutters in the audience and that cutting (like the hitting shown in the video) allows people to distract themselves from intense emotional/mental pain by inflicting a more easily handled physical pain. 

I’m not a cutter but it wouldn’t have taken much to make me one. When I first moved here, I stood on one of the downtown bridges, waiting for a bus, trying not to burst into tears as waves of despair pulsed through me. I don’t remember what triggered that particular event — I was full into a new clinical depression relapse and it really didn’t take much to tip me over the edge — I just remember digging into the back of my hand with my keys, trying to cause a physical wound painful enough to take my mind off the pain in my soul. It eventually worked. I didn’t break the skin — I never do — but the welts were still visible by the time I got home and my roommate was horrified. It wasn’t the first time, and it probably won’t be the last, though it’s much more infrequent now than it used to be. You don’t always have the leisure to indulge your emotions — bursting into tears on the bus or in a meeting is generally a bad idea; if inflicting pain gets you through it long enough for you to get home, then that’s a Good Thing. But there’s a terrible stigma attached to the chronic use of physical pain to cope with your emotions.