Inventory of lost dreams

I started writing this post exactly a year ago and it’s still as relevant now as it was then. Don’t know why I never finshed or posted it but here it is now.

I’m trying to remember some of the dreams I’d had, that I’d lost along the way. I’m attracted to brilliance and talent, as if by being near people that close to touching the face of God I might discover the key to unlocking my own potential. It’s sometimes a thing of desperation, as if I can feel time slipping away from me. Too late to build my own dreams, maybe, so latch onto someone else’s and live vicariously through them.

Bull shit!

That’s how I lost 20 years of my life. That’s how I became this stunted, empty person who is so busy watching the seconds tick away on the clock of her life that she doesn’t have time to actually live it. Right now, sensations and desires and needs are rushing in to fill up the void left by 20 years of nothing, all of them warring with each other for supremacy, all of them bearing Light and Dark aspects, to buoy my spirits and dash my hopes. It’s when I get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of them that I cycle down, like a breaker switch shutting off a surge of a power spike.

I’m going to try to articulate some of the dreams, some of the desires:

  • I’m a physical creature who has denied herself physical contact for far too long. It’s makes you go a little squirrelly and now I’m skittish. I don’t mind my own company but my god! I need some social interaction that isn’t virtual. I miss going out dancing and drinking with friends. Damn, I just miss my friends. Most of it is purely physical — I’m unfit, unwell, malnourished, and so tired that I just don’t have the energy to be social in the face of natural introversion. I need to take control of that aspect of myself, instead of letting entropy take charge. That means taking care of myself better.
  • I want to express myself artistically at something that will be “out there”, and not just for family only. But how? Art? Photography? Writing? I’ve made some failed attempts at writing but haven’t really given it my all. I want to take the time to do that more.
  • I miss the spiritual exploration. I haven’t used my cards or done any astrology in years. It’s a catch-22 situation: the more blocked I feel, the less I do these things and the less I do them, the more blocked I feel. I want to go back to them. Back to working with my intuition, with my favourite card decks, with new card decks. Learn more about astrology and other practices that used to interest me. I’ve become practical and mundane and dull, closed to the magic of the universe.

So, those are the areas where I need to concentrate this coming year. If I can even make a small bit of progress in each area, I’ll be pleased. I have so much inertia to overcome in all three areas that I’m not expecting miracles but a little improvement would be so nice.

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