I have a tendency to over-reach, to load up my plate with more work than I can actually do. Part of it is just an inability to judge what I can or cannot reasonably do in a 24-hour day but most of it, I think, stems from a peverted subconscious desire to fail, a feeling that I don’t deserve to succeed. It’s a mindset I need to correct. Those old diaries I found are full of past instances where I’ve done the same thing. I need to stop the cycle of self-abuse.
Today, I dropped one of those contracts I mentioned before. It’s really much more complicated and time-consuming a job than I can tackle right now, especially given that I was sick for awhile there with the plague that is going around and have been having trouble with my computer (I really need a new one or at least the time and money to figure out what’s going on with the one I have — I suspect a processor problem, since the RAM and power supply/fan have been replaced/upgraded recently). Dropping it had to be done but I feel bad about it — bad because I’ve disappointed myself, bad because I’ve essentially wasted the client’s time, bad because I’m going to take a (big?) hit to my contracting reputation for this. I consider it a lesson learned. I now have a time tracking program so that I can get a better idea of how long things are taking so that I can better estimate future projects, assuming the hit to my rep doesn’t prevent me from getting more. Having two contracts at one time was unwise.
Feel both better and worse for having dropped the contract. Thought the knot in my stomach would go away but it’s still there, just with a different source. (It was a knot because I was losing ground on both contracts, now it’s a knot because I’ve admitted failure for one of them and I hate to admit failure, despite setting myself up for it on a regular basis.)