Feel like I’m in the middle of a cyclone of conflicting emotions — up, down, sideways, twisted. Caused by a variety of things. Lack of sleep. Job-hunting and financial stress. Other personal issues.
And my parents just called to offer to pay for me to fly down for their anniversary celebrations in a few weeks. Sounds like a good deal, doesn’t it. And yet I’ve been conflicted about the offer. I’ve never left my cat alone for more than a day or so without someone to check on him. I’m in the middle of waiting to hear about some other contract/freelancing jobs so may not actually have time to go anywhere for a weekend jaunt. I don’t really fit well in a standard economy seat and paying for “comfort seating” is prohibitively expensive. And I’m not sure I really want anyone to actually see me now. It’s stressing me out so much that I started crying. (No, not to my mother — I at least managed to wait until she got off the phone.) I had called them back after finding out how much the extra seat was going to cost and told them it was too expensive. Mom sounded disappointed, and they called back a few minutes later to say that they’ll pay it anyway.
So, there you go. I guess I’m going home for a quick visit. And I’m still really conflicted about it. It feels a bit like I’m being pressured into something I don’t know if I want — pressured by my parents desire to have me there, pressured by my siblings expecting me to be there. Also, I’m not a spontaneous person by nature and this is a bit too spontaneous for my comfort. Still, maybe that’s reason enough to embrace it.
Life Begins at 41...or maybe 43 