Feeling very ill right now. Perhaps I can blame it on cheddar meeting mild lactose intolerance. Or the pineapple juice with ginger ale that I drank with the cheese. None of it is combining well in my stomach, but underneath it is also a weird hypoglycemic sensation. Maybe it’s all a manifestation of my inner conflict — I seem to remember going through weeks of this at various points over the last couple of years, where everything I ate made me nauseous.
Have been trying to sort out what I actually want. Or, rather, trying to separate what I need out of the tangled ball of wants and wishes that fills up my head and heart right now. Having to do it through continual, sudden crying jags that are bubbling up out of nowhere isn’t making the job easier. (Some of that I can blame on hormones but it isn’t like this every month so that’s obviously not all it is.)
The conclusion I’ve reached has been that I want to be open to all the Universe has in store for me and I can’t do that if I’m not comfortable in my own skin. That means both being comfortable with how I look and also being more comfortable physically. I’ve passed on so many opportunities for fun because of physical limitations or because I couldn’t get past the cripplingly low self-esteem. Even those chances I’ve taken haven’t always been fully enjoyed because I was worried what people were thinking about me.
But I get overwhelmed at the sheer amount of time this is going to take to do this right. I need to just focus on taking it one day, one hour, one minute at a time, like a recovering alcoholic. Stop thinking about past losses and delayed futures and just concentrate on right here and right now. Concentrate on right now and the future will take care of itself.
So, today is day 0.