Re-evaluating priorities

I’ve been expending a great of energy lately on wasting time, procrastinating to avoid doing the things I want and need to do. Yesterday was lost to endlessly wandering on the Internet, aimless, pointless, useless wandering. I don’t know what I was looking for, but I didn’t find it. I stayed awake long past the point of headache, doing absolutely nothing productive, tethered to Firefox like it was a Book of Wisdom. It’s not. I’m not going to find whatever it is I’m looking for in cyberspace. I need a real life, not a virtual one.

I’ve given over many years of my life to various hobby pursuits that are fast becoming anchors, weighing me down and more often than not making me feel worse about myself rather than better. At what point do the negatives outweigh the positives to the point that I move on? Some days it feels close. Today, it feels so close that I can almost touch the exit door. Surely I should be expecting to feel more than just “meh” when it comes to how I pass my time? But I’m a packrat and it’s hard to throw out the time investment without long, hard thought — unfortunately, long, hard thought usually turns into inaction and more of the same old, same old. Am I willing to let this continue? That’s what I need to consider.I’m including my Jonathan Cainer horoscopes for today and yesterday here because they are appropriate to the thoughts I’ve been having lately. Tomorrow’s is particularly poignant — my self-confidence sits on a bed of shifting sand, with the tide coming in. When I feel successful, I am confident moving forward. When I make a mistake, however large or small, I feel useless — it completely negates anything good I may have done up to that point. I recognize that as being self-destructive. And I recognize that I’m the only person who can strengthen the base that my self-esteem and self-confidence are sitting on. I’m the one allowing it to be eroded by external factors, and I’m the one who can protect it. That needs to be one of my priorities or everything else is doomed to failure.

Horoscopes: From Jonathan Cainer

For Monday: You have got what it takes. You can do what’s needed. You can find what you need. Etc. I am tempted to carry on in this vein for the remainder of your forecast. You need as much encouragement as you can get because, though your outlook is now very helpful, your memory of a recent difficult experience is weighing on you heavily. You doubt yourself. You fear a recurrence of some old problem. You half expect to encounter disappointment or failure. Stop it, drop it and be brave. It’s time for a new relationship with the past.

For Tuesday: (This is particularly apropos, given my feelings and thoughts today.) A sense of success can keep you warm at night, even when a cold wind is blowing. If you feel you have made a wise choice or are in a good mood, you can withstand a lot of tension and trouble. If, though, there is one mistake that you just can’t stop yourself from thinking about, it undermines the entire platform on which your confidence rests. That one little regrettable development eats away at everything else until you begin to feel that you deserve no credit. Don’t succumb to that syndrome now. You haven’t got a ‘problem’. You have an incredible opportunity.

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