Is love enough?

I’m in an odd place.

It’s why I’ve been so quiet here.

In my head and in my heart I am changing from the person I was, the person that my family knew and thinks they still know. I have been changing, though sometimes the change has been random and haphazard, for several years. But that is all speeding up now, heading towards…well, I’m not sure where it’s heading precisely but I know it’s a place I’ve wanted to be, a good place. But it’s not a place I’m comfortable sharing here. I know you’ll understand.

The more I change, the further I seem to drift from my family. Don’t get me wrong — I love my family to pieces, and for so much of my life I’ve lived for them. But it’s so hard to pretend to be the person they’re expecting me to be. Tonight on the phone, I don’t think my parents really heard or understood my many small silences, silences where I was simply speechless, unable to say what was expected but also unable to say what I really wanted to say. Hell, I’m not even sure I knew how to articulate what I wanted to say. I think I scare them sometimes.

So our conversations become full of pleasantries and inconsequential chit chat. It suffocates me and breaks my heart at the same time. Thankfully tonight’s call ended before I started crying. I have no idea how I would have explained that without lying.


Digital cable love/hate relationship

I love digital cable, but it’s a sick, twisted, addicted kind of love that frequently dips deep into the hate pool.

I love timeshifting, but timeshifting and a busted VCR means that I don’t get to sleep until the early hours of the morning, or I sleep in short fits and jerks, in between timeshifted shows I “must” watch.

I love that can use my TV and digital terminal as an alarm clock, but that turns my TV into a giant snooze button, with 1/2 hour pauses instead of 9-minute ones, but the end-result is the same — fitful, broken sleep, full of really vivid dreams but precious little actual rest. (Is that good or bad? The dreams are usually pretty kooky — the one that ended with David Caruso punching P Diddy in the stomach, killing him and starting a riot, was a particularly fun WTF?! romp that I blame partly on Mayo’s Massengill graphic — and almost worth the lack of rest.)

I love that I can buy movies and watch free episodes of favourite TV shows on demand, whenever I’m ready to watch them, but I hate the sneaky cost (sneaky in the sense that it’s easy to forget how many movies you bought because they’re so easy to order and the cost is delayed) and I really hate when trying to view the Rogers On Demand channel (channel 100) completely borks up the digital box. That dunks me reeeeally far down into the dark, deeps of the hate pool mostly because it messes with my ability to use the TV as an alarm clock and it threatens my television addiction. (Again, is that good or bad?)

That happened last night. I accidentally punched in 100 on the remote (force of habit). Rogers On Demand was apparently having troubles so it locked up the digital terminal. Power cycling the terminal and reauthorizing it have failed so far so I could only watch CTV last night and this morning. The fact that I couldn’t access all of the channels I could access before made it that much more important that I have that access again. (Yes, I could have swapped cables around so that I could at least watch regular cable on the TV, but there were principles involved — it’s like losing the remote and spending hours looking for it rather than getting up and changing the channels on the box itself.) So sleep was sacrificed to worrying pointlessly over what the problem was and how to fix it.

I’m thinking that I really need to get rid of cable. To save my sanity.

Why am I watching this?

Should be asleep, but I’m playing Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook and listening to “Bulging Brides” on the TV (what can I say, I just left Slice on after watching “Sheer Genius”). I just lost a game because I had to look at the TV. Judging by the way they were talking to the poor woman, I was expecting to see an extremely overweight individual. What I see instead is a very healthy-sized (139-pound, 5’4″) woman who really didn’t need to lose weight. (She did, on the other hand, need to have bought a dress that actually fit her. What is going on in brides’ heads? But I digress.) But she’s horrified at how she looks, and the two trainers do everything they can to make her feel as bad as possible about her present self.

What kind of horrible, piece of shit program is this? Like women don’t have enough body image issues that we need to have yet another TV program that tells us that carrying even 10 extra pounds makes you a fat cow. I don’t care if it’s supposed to be a boot-camp style weight loss show. I don’t care. It’s this kind of bullshit that makes young girls become bulimic or anorexic, that makes any kind of true fat acceptance in this society a pure pipe dream.

(I was despairing a little when I read the first few feedback comments on the show’s Web site, but, thankfully, there are a few sensible people who are also questioning how sensible the show is.)