I’m in an odd place.
It’s why I’ve been so quiet here.
In my head and in my heart I am changing from the person I was, the person that my family knew and thinks they still know. I have been changing, though sometimes the change has been random and haphazard, for several years. But that is all speeding up now, heading towards…well, I’m not sure where it’s heading precisely but I know it’s a place I’ve wanted to be, a good place. But it’s not a place I’m comfortable sharing here. I know you’ll understand.
The more I change, the further I seem to drift from my family. Don’t get me wrong — I love my family to pieces, and for so much of my life I’ve lived for them. But it’s so hard to pretend to be the person they’re expecting me to be. Tonight on the phone, I don’t think my parents really heard or understood my many small silences, silences where I was simply speechless, unable to say what was expected but also unable to say what I really wanted to say. Hell, I’m not even sure I knew how to articulate what I wanted to say. I think I scare them sometimes.
So our conversations become full of pleasantries and inconsequential chit chat. It suffocates me and breaks my heart at the same time. Thankfully tonight’s call ended before I started crying. I have no idea how I would have explained that without lying.