Is love enough?

I’m in an odd place.

It’s why I’ve been so quiet here.

In my head and in my heart I am changing from the person I was, the person that my family knew and thinks they still know. I have been changing, though sometimes the change has been random and haphazard, for several years. But that is all speeding up now, heading towards…well, I’m not sure where it’s heading precisely but I know it’s a place I’ve wanted to be, a good place. But it’s not a place I’m comfortable sharing here. I know you’ll understand.

The more I change, the further I seem to drift from my family. Don’t get me wrong — I love my family to pieces, and for so much of my life I’ve lived for them. But it’s so hard to pretend to be the person they’re expecting me to be. Tonight on the phone, I don’t think my parents really heard or understood my many small silences, silences where I was simply speechless, unable to say what was expected but also unable to say what I really wanted to say. Hell, I’m not even sure I knew how to articulate what I wanted to say. I think I scare them sometimes.

So our conversations become full of pleasantries and inconsequential chit chat. It suffocates me and breaks my heart at the same time. Thankfully tonight’s call ended before I started crying. I have no idea how I would have explained that without lying.

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4 thoughts on “Is love enough?

  1. As a parent, I’d say most parents really just want their kids to be healthy and happy. They don’t have all the huge expectations kids burden themselves with believing their parents have of them. Sure they’d like their kids to have a better life than they had, but however that’s achieved is okay, as long as the child is happy. Nothing is more heartbreaking than seeing your child unhappy (or sick). Everything else is fine. And just because they’re parents and at one point knew you better than you knew yourself, that doesn’t make them psychic for life. They want to know all about you, but they don’t want to be nosey or look like they’re interfering. If you want them to know something about you or want to talk to them about something, you’ll have to discuss it openly and directly. They’ll be ever so pleased. Anyway, that’s just from my parental perspective. I’m glad your headspace is brighter.

  2. i couldn’t agree with what XUP has said. gee whiz, this really sucks and sounds like you are really hurting. i hope that you will talk to your parents and your family. like you say, you need to do what makes you feel better and go to that place that makes you feel better.

  3. Phew, I was waiting to hear why you couldn’t agree with me and you never said and then I thought you were trying to tell Louise that parents don’t really want their kids to be happy and I was ever so puzzled.

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