I’m going slightly mad…

I’m in some kind of messed up head space.

Things are going reasonably well for me right now. I’m working in a new (short term) contract, my EI finally came through, things are generally OK. But I have a permanent low-grade headache and general unwellness that I just can’t shake. I feel frazzled, despite not really being overextended. And I seem to alternating between insomnia and narcolepsy.

More importantly, I am constantly near — or actually in — tears. Over nothing. Over anything. Happy things, sad things, mundane things. It’s an overwhelming and sudden sadness that has no actual form or substance. It might be subconsciously related to my mother’s illness, but it’s certainly not consciously about that. It might be hormonal or chemical, but it’s been going on for a couple of weeks now and that would be odd for the usual imbalances.

All I know is that I recognize this place. I’ve been here before, and I don’t like it. (Or, rather, I don’t like not having control over it. It’s a subtle difference.)

It’s not depression, not really. It feels more like being steeped in someone else’s sorrow, if that makes sense. (Have you ever been around someone who leaks sadness or anger to such a degree that you begin to feel the same thing, despite not being sad or angry yourself? That’s kind of what it’s like.)

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4 thoughts on “I’m going slightly mad…

  1. Oh dear. It does sound like some sort of depression or anxiety. The mind and body are bloody mysterious — you don’t know what they’re up to sometimes. Don’t let it go on too long without help, eh?

  2. It does, doesn’t it. But from the inside, it doesn’t feel like the usual depression. It feels a little like part two of what was happening to me at the start of this blog, two years ago. Like the continuation of my midlife crisis after a break. That’s not something I want to medicate (and I can’t afford to psychoanalyze it). It’s something I want to navigate, to surf through to the other side. It seems important to actually experience it, if I really want to effect any change. Does that make sense?

  3. Sure. You’re living it – you know best. But i”m pretty sure your doctor can hook you up with a professional to talk to if you need to, that you don’t have to pay.

  4. I’m supposed to be off this machine… but I am intrigued my your writing… and I just read something that I totally resonate with…. your line about “feeling frazzled yet not really overextended”…..that absolutely it!!

    I just wrote you a brief note…. again am in a hurry… but am also going through a period of major life change. I am trying to put a positive spin on it (and some days I am able to momentarily convince even myself). But…you are not crazy, and you are not alone (although you may be depressed I don’t know enough to have an opinion)… I have more unscheduled, “free” time than I have had in my entire adult life. My job position was “eliminated” (I live in the USA, bad economy), so I decided to take some time off, do all these things I’ve fantasized about doing; perhaps start a new career, exercise, eat right, become enlightened…
    And I have all this time! I’m single. Unshackled by any commitments, responsibilities, I’m free! Why don’t I feel that way? Months have passed and I have not done one of the wonderful things I was going to do. And worse… I feel stressed… it feels like paralysis.. I have all these things I COULD be doing, but I have no idea WHAT to do, where to start. I used to work full-time, sometimes extra on the side; went back to school several times in addition; had a very full social life; and I got more accomplished and had more energy then. Now I have an entire day in front of me… something I used to dream about, and I am lucky if I can muster up the energy to make phone call. I never watched television. Now I can spend hours watching mindless dribble. And suddenly the days have turned into weeks and into months and I feel like my life is going by without me. If I’m going to be lazy and do nothing, then I might as well enjoy it, but I’m not; because I should be “doing something”.
    And the sleeping thing…. oh….
    Being a natural night person, I was very excited about being able to stay up late during the week… but 2 am would easily stretch until 3, then 4, then 5; but I too need my sleep, so then I began sleeping most of the day. This of course but me further out of touch with the world, as those still living in the “real world” are not appreciative of phone calls at 2 am.
    After one night of no sleep I forced myself to stay awake and was able to fall asleep at a ‘normal’ hour, and have gotten myself on a better schedule – hopefully it will last…. but the rest..
    So, while I would not wish anyone to feel this way, I feel some relief to find someone who does (sorry it has to be you).
    Hopefully we (and others) will be able to help each other crawl out of this hole!
    p.s. you know those books and articles that attempt to make you feel like this is all a good thing, you know, quips like how “through difficulty you find true inner peace” and such nonsense, do you ever feel like taking one of those books and throwing it across the room?
    I never have (thrown).
    Maybe I should!
    Ellen

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