Just breathe…

Feels like a very large elephant is sitting on me.

Anxiety hits me in the solar plexus, which makes both my stomach and my chest unhappy. If they were people, they’d be pacing back and forth, wringing their hands, and muttering to themselves.

Project anxieties, as always. I’m getting crabby again. I’ve had it shoved down my throat repeatedly that the BA will be doing the technical/peer review of my documentation for the project—at project meetings, at department meetings, and in casual conversation it’s been stated and restated that the BA is responsible for doing the technical desk check (wtf?), the peer review/proofreading (huh?), and a business requirements check (I’ll grant you that one). But according to the PM, everyone (meaning the BA) is too busy to do a peer review on the project that is due this week. She’s had it for several weeks and hasn’t managed to squeeze in a couple of hours to look it over yet? Then why the f&^% did you insist that she be the one to do it, for crissakes?!

What burns me most about that is that I’ve been told that under no circumstances am I to ask for my colleague to do a peer review for me without the express permission of the project manager responsible for the project she’s currently working on and the project wanting the peer review. And that is never going to happen. I can’t get them to understand that it isn’t a project thing, it’s a technical writing team thing. Do programmers have to get permission before they can ask another programmer to check something over for them? It’s called team work. The whole thing just makes me annoyed, anxious, stressed, ill, and unhappy. I spent several hours tonight working on the damn thing and I’ll probably end up putting in hours on the weekend as well. I have insomnia again and I’m near tears all the time. I need to find a way to cope with this because whatever I’m doing now just isn’t working.


Massive anxiety

Feels like I’m suffocating. Yes, it’s hot and gross here (on a lovely “air quality advisory” day) but it’s more than that. Supposed to be cooler tomorrow and on into the weekend — hope my anxiety eases with the humidex dropping.

Having some financial issues, partly because there have been problems with my last couple of paycheques, and partly because I just suck.

I’ve decided to go back to school so I’ve signed up for some university distance education courses. Well, a degree actually. That is alternately perking me up with excitement and driving me to my knees with pressure: financial, time, energy. The idea of this taking potentially a decade is insane but I don’t have the time, energy, or money to take a full-time course load or more. It’s going to cost about $30,000 or more for the whole degree.

Work has also been an issue. Weird demands, micromanaging, etc. But we did recently that mediocrity is not a bad thing and that 90% OK is good enough. so, whole lot of pressure released there. LOL Had thought that I might be able to get some of the courses covered by work but that idea was killed on Monday before it even got started. I’m both happy and disturbed by that — happy because now I’m just doing it for me and so the pressure to perform is off but disturbed because of the reasons behind the kibosh (reasons I won’t go into here).  

I made the mistake of informing my parents of my decision to go back to school and now I really regret it. It makes me feel like I’m 17 years old and living at home. I’m 42, damn it! Why do my parents turn me into a child whenever I talk to them? Why do most parents do that?

Am alternating between terrible insomnia and borderline narcolepsy. Today, my body is thinking “sleep for 12 hours” but my brain can’t stop spinning in place. And the suffocating pressure in my chest isn’t helping.


Out of breath today. Not sure why. Upper back, shoulders, and neck are stiff and sore but don’t know if that’s why I’m breathless or because of the breathlessness.

Dreamed tonight of suffocating. In the dream, I was ill or suffering from some kind of disability that prevented me from communicating properly and was leaning against the bent knee of a father figure. Something made it difficult to breathe and as I struggled, he held me tighter, thinking I was just distressed over something and not realizing that I was trying to shift to a position where I could breathe better. As he held onto me, his knee pressed into my left upper back, right about where my PE was. He was killing me by trying to help me. And, like those old dreams I used to have where I was cattle prodded, I wasn’t able to breathe or move to defend myself. Eventually the dream me would reach a distress level that snapped me into a slightly different version of the dream—this happened a couple of times; the last time I woke up. It’s not the first time I’ve had a dream like that recently, though I haven’t had those suffocating dreams for years. When I was having the cattle prod dreams regularly, I wrote in to a column in the local paper that did dream analysis. My letter was chosen and the woman said that my subconscious was trying to tell me that I was going down a road that I shouldn’t be. At the time, I told my subconscious that, if it wanted to tell me something, it should be more clear and I had a number of very clear, very amazing dreams after that…and no more cattle prods. But that was in the early 1990s. I don’t know what’s going on now? Is it my subconscious prodding me again? Is it my brain just processing daily events (including my breathing trouble and aches)? Is it prescience, a portent of something?  I don’t know but suffocating is not a fun way to spend your REM sleep.