Koilonychia

One of the finger nails that I’m having particular trouble growing is the thumbnail on my right hand. Some of the other nails have ridges and the like but those could be explained away by peeling off layers of nail during prior nail biting episodes — it’s never even so you’re left with lengthwise ridges until the nail grows in (and up) again. The right thumbnail, though, is concave and the nail is too soft to grow out properly. The other thumbnail has a very slight dent in it and a bit of a hillock that I’ve essentially been filing down.

I have insomnia today (it’s now 9am and I still haven’t been to bed) so I decided to have a quick Google to see what I could find.

What I found was a nail disorder called Koilonychia, which is usually linked to chronic iron deficiency anemia. That’s interesting to me because I’ve had trouble with iron levels for years. When I was sick in 2000, I had to take supplements for months just to bring my iron level up to the very low end of normal. I even had iron deficiency issues when I was a kid. (I could have sworn I’d blogged about it before but I’ll be darned if I can find where.) I should take supplements, but I admit that I’ve been scared by horror stories of iron supplements gone bad. Still, given that iron deficiency would explain some of the fatigue and other weird problems I’ve been having, I should make a concerted effort to at least start taking my multivitamin every day.

Fat and malnourished is not how you want your life to go. You have to neglect and mistreat yourself pretty badly to accomplish that. Next thing you know, I’ll be developing scurvy or beriberi.

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The Me Project: Day 44

Have been sick for the last week or so. Not sure what’s going on. Flu? Cold? Allergies gone wild? Insides aren’t happy — don’t know if it is the change of food from takeout to groceries or what. Head is congested and I now have a splitting sinus headache. Alternating between insomnia and narcolepsy again. Thought I’d have been more productive during the holidays, but really accomplished very little that didn’t involve sitting in front of my computer. Which is to say that I accomplished some things, but they weren’t the things I was planning to accomplish. Tu comprends?

I ended up having to trim my finger nails the other day — the cleaning that I did on the 23rd softened the nails so much that they never completely recovered and it was trim them or bite them. Now it’s a fight not to start biting them again. I’m having trouble not biting the skin around them, which is not helping. That’s stress, that is. But a bad way of coping.

Talked to NiK tonight — she was stuck in an intense Vancouver traffic snarl and thought of me. Aw. Unfortunately, her cell phone died in mid-conversation so she probably had to spend the remaining couple of hours with only her stereo for company. Don’t remember what I was in the middle of saying when it cut out — couldn’t have been too important. I miss her. She’s always a bright spot to my day and our conversations are never long enough. I got to bitch commiserate about Scorpios (no, not anyone who might happen to be reading this) in our lives, which was very helpful. LOL

The Me Project: Day 28 – Returning to myself

Two things have always been a part of my emotional makeup: creativity and physical human contact.

They are symbiotic. When I block one, I cripple the other. When I stopped creative pursuits, I withdrew from people around me. And the more I cocooned myself, the less creativity existed in my life. It fed upon itself. And I find myself now half-starved, barely sustaining myself with fast food creation and junk affection. Dribs and drabs here, tiny morsels there. Little to nourish the soul. Some days I think the physical Presence of the cat is all that keeps me from going completely insane. Other days I’m not sure I haven’t already gone there anyway.

I thought I could just concentrate on fixing the physical Me, but clearly I need to reconnect with at least some of my other dreams while I’m doing it or I have little hope of achieving anything, of finding the True Me.

Musique du jour:

This insight brought to you by Imogen Heap on auto-repeat.

Horoscope:

Jonathan Cainer’s week ahead:  (Part 1) There are things you have to do. You can’t put them off any longer. Nor can you allow yourself to be dissuaded by those who seem to think there are better times to act. They don’t appreciate the urgency of the situation. They are not going through what you are going through. They will happily push you into an inappropriate course of action – or urge caution, even when a decisive move is surely more suitable. What they won’t ever do, though, is say, ‘I don’t know.’ Few are ever wise or honest enough to do that. To use your power well, you need the advice of someone you can truly trust.

(Part 2) Christmas is going to be different this year. The future starts here. The past however, does not end here. It carries on, influencing the choices that you are now trying to make. That’s appropriate and positive, to some extent at least. You don’t want to break away entirely from all that you have laboured so long to learn. But you do need a break. You need to free yourself from a habit pattern that has become far more than just a cosy routine. It is almost as if you have become a prisoner of your preferences and your prejudices. Here comes a rare chance to make some welcome changes. Look again at what seems to be going wrong. It’s right in more ways than you know.

The Me Project: Day 21

Aw, cool. My stats rolled over 10,000 yesterday. I know that doesn’t seem like many hits but you have to figure that this time last year, I was getting about 50 hits a month and those mostly from family and friends. Now, I’m averaging more a day than I was getting in a month. Very exciting. Granted, a lot of the hits are to several specific popular posts, but that’s OK.

Anyhoo, I’m going to stop posting daily “Me Project” posts (will do them weekly or maybe a couple of times a week) — they’re mostly for my own benefit anyway, since I doubt they are of interest to anyone but me. I’ll still post every day, but I’ve been working on some posts behind the scenes, mostly related to weight loss.

I can, however, report that, though I did bite two nails (couldn’t find my file in time and rough nails tips are very seductive to a nail biter), I’ve managed to keep the rest growing. So that’s at least one goal I’ve managed to keep over the last three weeks. Sometimes you take comfort in small victories. Chronically-bitten nails don’t grow in quite the same as never-bitten nails — and you can see that the nail beds are really short. Right now, the nails aren’t a great deal longer than short never-bitten nails would be, but they have all the inconvenience of proper long nails. BTW, despite the look of that first picture, I do not have fat fingers or hands — probably two of the few places on my body that aren’t carrying a little extra something — but they definitely aren’t long, pianist hands. More like peasant farmer’s wife hands.

Musique du jour:

I’ve been watching the new Moosebutter video on repeat since I learned of it. I should stop that. It’s eating up my bandwidth unnecessarily, especially since I have the original song. But it’s fun to watch them.

Horoscope: From Jonathan Cainer

Your Week Ahead: No matter how far we travel, we never seem to get more than a brief break from trouble. Like some cackling tormentor, trouble tracks us down and demands that we once again submit ourselves to stress. There is a sense now, in which you feel like a fearful refugee from the tyranny of tension. You have escaped one awkward scenario, but suspect another will arise soon. Instead of seeing yourself as a victim in hiding, think of yourself as a victor in waiting! Mars suggests a sense of challenge will pursue you whatever you do, wherever you go. So refuse to take a silly situation too seriously.

How come it’s nearly Christmas… again? Haven’t we only just had the last one? Aren’t there still drawers in your home full of unwanted trinkets from last year? What is this obsession with the great recurring festive fantasy? How come we’re all shopping, wrapping and preparing for a few days of mindless overindulgence at the month end? Oh well. At least this year, there’s a seasonal twist. Now, we get to do it all against a backdrop of collapsing banks and vanishing jobs! Mmmm. Nice. Sorry to sound cynical. I know you don’t really need me to echo the doubts you already have in your heart. But, listen, I’ve got news. Despite your worries… you’re set for a good time soon!

(Hopefully that points to a successful conclusion to that contract I mentioned previously.)

The Me Project: Day 20

Still feeling the effects of uncontrolled allergies meeting long-delayed antihistamines. Drowsy beyond belief, and brain isn’t firing on all cylinders. Have spend half the day trying to sleep and the other half stuck in front of my computer doing nothing at all that appeared to be productive on the surface. What I was doing, in fact, was working out specifically what I need to do this weekend to get things on track. That includes cleaning and buying groceries. My avoidance of that is taking so much more energy than just doing it — procrastination is hard work.

Word of the day:

muzzy, fuzzy and muddled, as in “I’m so tired that I’m muzzy-headed.”

Musique du jour:

Sparks Propaganda and Whomp That Sucker. Well, yes, there might have been the odd Tokio Hotel song or three in there somewhere.

Horoscope:

Jonathan Cainer: ‘How do you do?’ ‘Fine how are you…’ There is a reason why we start conversations like this. It’s because the moment you leave two people to communicate without any guidelines, they end up misunderstanding one another! Some of us are very good at talking but not very good at listening. Others hear what has not been said! Generally, we have no idea about what we ought to say, so we play it safe. This weekend, you can be polite if you want to, but if you actually need to get a message across, you’d be better off being blunt.

The Me Project: Days 18 & 19

Didn’t go to bed Wednesday night so figured I might as well combine the two days’ posts since they’ve become one long day. Rather than doing what I have been doing, which is going to bed in the morning after staying up all night, I decided to try staying up until the evening with the help of some 5-hour Energy. I haven’t used it since my contract ended — don’t want to become psychologically dependent on it and lessen the effects when I really need it. Sad to say, I’ve missed it. The 5-hour Energy definitely made me more alert, not just more awake. Unfortunately, today it’s been fighting an uphill battle against the lingering side effects of me having forgotten to take my antihistamines for a couple of days. I took the drugs but it took several hours for them to actually clear things up, hours during which I succumbed to the congestion and went to bed. So, bit of a waste of the 5-hour Energy.

Got woken up during that allergy-ridden sleep by a recruiter at the agency that placed me on my last contract. It’s for a combo tester and technical writer, which sounds like it might be right up my alley. They want someone to start on Monday (for 3 months) but, given that I’m only being submitted today, I don’t know how that’s going to work.

Otherwise, the days have been a blur of very little that was productive. I’m waiting for several Christmas presents to myself: a copy of Ciro Marchetti’s new Legacy of the Divine tarot, Tokio Hotel’s Caught on Camera DVD set, a hair styling iron, and some books (including “The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging”, which piqued my interest after seeing Arianna Huffington on the Daily Show the other night).

Musique des jours:

Today, it’s Tokio Hotel again. Got my hands on some lesser-known tracks, including the very lovely “Hilf mir fliegen” (Help Me Fly), which has been playing on autorepeat today (with Autoscrobbler off).

Yesterday was a variety of classic 80s hits.

Horoscope:

Wednesday’s Jonathan Cainer: Nobody comes to this planet for an easy life. We may all dream of one, hope for one or even strive to create one, but if we think that ‘existence’ is connected to ‘ease’, we are wrong. I hear tell, though, of a planet, similar to ours, many galaxies away – it too is covered in water and has global internet access. Apparently, all they do all day is sit around in the sun reading Hello. Many souls, hoping to end up there, turn up here by mistake. You can’t expect much to be easy today. But one thing will be a lot less difficult than you fear.

Thursday’s Jonathan Cainer: Some people believe there is a sign or a message of some kind contained in every event. That implies a somewhat hyperactive guardian angel, urgently engineering events in order to drop heavy hints. We have to ask why, if something so powerful is observing us this intently, it can’t just cut out the guessing games and send us a text message. You can read whatever you like into today’s development, as long as you see something positive. If you think you’re being sent discouraging news, you’re not.

The Me Project: Day 17

Not horrible, food-wise. Ordered some absolutely scrumptious ravioli from Boston Pizza. Too much of it, but it was worth the angst.

Shopped a little (OK, a lot) online. Probably too much.

Having a good think about where exactly I want to be.

Talking to Nik the other day reminded me of what I really want. I’d forgotten it in the midst of the haze of not sleeping properly and massive, killer sugar binges. I need to stop thinking, worrying ahead and just concentrate what I can/should be doing now. I don’t want any more missed opportunities to just enjoy myself because I was too self-conscious or filled with self-loathing. In an ideal world, I’d have learned to be happy with myself the way I am, but this isn’t an ideal world and I’m not a ideal person. I can’t be truly happy overweight — to say otherwise would be a lie. I can be resigned to my lot in life, which is the easy, lazy road I’ve been on, or I can get onto a different road and actually live.

I know which one appeals to me now and I need to remember that.

The Me Project: Day 16

Finally got the EI situation cleared up.

Talked to Nik today about being old and overweight (what else would we talk about). She’s thinking about coming for a visit in February. I’d like to see her but we’re both reluctant to be seen, if you get my drift.

I really need to get off my ass and really do this. I’m tired of having this built-in excuse for why I can’t do things. It has served it’s purpose and it needs to go.

Musique du jour:

Today I’ve been listening to what I like to call my Last.fm load mix, while I load my new Last.fm library. While doing that, I downloaded a couple of Harlequin songs from iTunes as well as Heart’s “Wait for an Answer”. Now that’s definitely a song that sparks an emotion in you and it isn’t a safe, happy one. I’d forgotten how much I enjoy it.

Horoscope:

From Jonathan Cainer: The more you feel you know a place, the more you like it. Similarly, you find it easier to be comfortable with folk whose faces you recognise. That’s not always an advantage. It can cause you to repeat old syndromes, and to place more trust in the devils you know than in the ones you don’t. It can even mean that when new possibilities arise, you dismiss them as demonic developments, even when they are angelic offerings. What’s changing in your life now, is to be embraced, not feared.

The Me Project: Day 15

Still sleeping weird patterns. Still haven’t cleaned out the fridge, so still haven’t bought groceries, and still haven’t stopped buying the fast and easy junk food.

Doesn’t help that I’m feeling the omgihavetogetajobreallyreallyREALLYsoon panic building — and panic makes me eat. EI is taking the full 28 days to make a decision about restarting my previous claim. I have no idea why. It’s not complicated, but they did the same thing last time. I have to call them tomorrow morning (Monday). My request to get a lump sum transfer value of my unlocked-in pension is also straggling — turns out that, despite my having mailed it in 3 months ago, it never actually hit someone’s desk until my call lit a fire under someone’s butt; and it also turns out that they were waiting for a copy of my birth certificate. I have to call them later on this week to see what else they’re waiting for. Once they have everything from my old HR department, Superannuation has up to 45 days to issue the payment. (If they’re anything like EI, they’ll make sure they take the full 45 days — after all, why make it easy for the punter.) *sigh*

I may not have been doing a lot of weight-loss related stuff over the last couple of days, but I have been doing a lot of thinking (in between the O’Henry chocolate bars). I’m a little bit closer to knowing what I want to do, where I want to go, so it hasn’t been a completely unproductive weekend. I’m going to go try to get some normal sleep and then start my December by (a) getting at least my kitchen cleaned and (b) getting stuck back into some contract work I’d let slide while I was working (they may have given up on me).

The Me Project: Day…what day is it again?

Just kidding. It’s day 13.

I know. I’ve missed a few days. The last week has been what can only be described as “blah”. Did nothing. Thought about nothing of any import (as you can tell from my posts here LOL). Started new Me Project posts each day, but realized I had nothing to say about things. Battled a fruit fly plague. (Isn’t that one of the signs of the Apocalypse?) Watched a hella lot of TV. Ate too much junk food. (Still haven’t cleaned my fridge.) Went offroad in my head. But I’m veering back onto the track now.

My scale tells me that I lost 2 pounds, but it’s a pathological liar and I don’t believe it. And I’m ignoring the siren call of my nails. (“You know you wanna.”)

Applied for a very short-term freelance job. Looked kind of interesting for a couple of days work, but who knows. Started properly looking at job postings. I need to get out of the house — I’m going stir crazy. Saw a contract for an HTML Converter. It pays less than my usual rate, but it might be nice, mild work for awhile. So I’m waffling over whether or not to apply for it. (It doesn’t say how long the contract is.)