The Me Project: Day 5

It’s been a bland, dull day. Nothing done, nothing accomplished. Lots of TV watched. I can feel myself getting stupider every day.

Horoscope: From Jonathan Cainer

Much has been written on the secret of the perfect cup of tea. How important is it to warm the pot? Should the water be at a rolling boil? What about the milk? In first? Or last? The strange thing is, even those who like to declare themselves ‘expert’ in this art, agree that some cups taste a lot better than others, and nobody really knows why. That’s because there is one ingredient that has nothing to do with pots and kettles. The all-important variable is thirst. How badly do you really want something today?


The Me Project: Day 4 – Decide

Hair driving me nuts. Finally had to put it back in the hair band, which defeats the purpose of the new haircut. Having an emotional roller coaster of a day, all over the map. That was reflected in the fact that I pretty much slipped back into old eating habits. Didn’t eat quite as much as I probably would ordinarily, but it was all the wrong stuff — chocolate, Pringles, Pizza Pockets — and I feel ill for having eaten it. It’s certainly not helping the mood swings.

Need a break from my computer. Spending too much time online: surfing, reading, arguing, buying. Losing huge amounts of time and energy to it all, not to mention money that I don’t really have.

Musique du jour:

$&*%#ing Tokio Hotel. Get out of my head. 😉

Word of the day:


which mean crappy or screwed up in Yiddish. Kind of fits how I am feeling about myself today. Other less rude Jewish words can be found in The Yiddish Handbook: 40 Words You Should Know.

Continue reading “The Me Project: Day 4 – Decide”

The Me Project: Day 3

Still stuck on this weird semi night shift sleep pattern. Today’s goal was to actually stay awake long enough to go to bed at a proper time (10 or 11pm). That didn’t happen — ended up taking a nap before I went out today, but that might have been a good thing as I might actually make it to 10pm.

Got my hair cut today. It’s similar to what I had before, spiky at the back with a bang/fringe at the front. We left the front longer so that I can push it back if I want, but she parted it on the wrong side and I’ve spent the rest of the day trying to keep the hair from blocking both eyes. I like it, but I really need to colour it. Not sure I’m a happy medium brown, though — I miss my old dark brown, and I miss my 80s streaks. (Streaks and highlights are hard to maintain when you’re also covering grey, unless you can afford to go to a salon regularly.) Started talking wistfully about having perms and my favourite hair stylist tells me perms are coming back. Then she mentions beehives and we go off on a tangent about Amy Winehouse and the perils of being rich and famous. We decided that lottery winnings would be wasted on us as we’d blow the money chartering a private jet to Paris for lunch or to Italy for a weekend shopping trip, slumming it in $3000 a night hotels, rather than helping the less fortunate. We were being silly about it in the extreme, but I actually wish I could afford to take frequent long weekend trips away — I love hotels but I’m not particularly happy away from home for very long periods of time. I know. It’s seems like a waste, all that money on airfare for a couple of days, but if the only other option is to go nowhere at all and you can afford it, then why not? Mind you, I hate travelling alone so I’d need a companion.

Bought new headphones, as well, so that I can least use my portable CD player for walks until I find my MP3 player. Was going to buy groceries but my back was killing me so I came home instead. Will get them tomorrow instead. Besides, I still haven’t cleaned the fridge and it’s been giving me the evil eye. Brought Subway home for supper. Not a good choice all things considered, but it sure tasted good.

Musique du jour:

Still all Tokio Hotel, all the time…with the odd bit of Cyndi Lauper, Katy Perry, and Live thrown in like a palate-cleansing sorbet. Danced in the dark, with only the iTunes visualizer for light, to “Into the Nightlife”.

Word of the Day:


Defined in Wikipedia as “a form of propaganda whose techniques usually consist of a few people attempting to give the impression that mass numbers of enthusiasts advocate some specific cause.”

Comes to mind after watching a documentary about how to write a romance novel. Amazon’s book pages and message boards are fertile grounds for several examples of ongoing astroturfing campaigns by several authors (including Robert Stanek, who is often held up as a classic example of astroturfing in the world of science fiction and fantasy and whose efforts I came across personally several years ago). David Louis Edelman offers a good post about ethical self-promotion for authors.

Continue reading “The Me Project: Day 3”

The Me Project: Day 2 begins

Have to stop this waking up at 1:30 am rut I seem to be stuck in. It gets my internal clock all messed up.

Was going to go for a little walk this morning, but hate to walk without music and can’t find my MP3 player. Then realized I still haven’t cleaned my fridge or kitchen cupboards so that can be my workout for the day.

As I wrote before, one of my biggest worries about losing weight is being left with empty folds of skin all over the place, especially from the dreaded apron of fat or panniculus. I wouldn’t hesitate to have surgery to remove any excess skin, you understand, but I would much prefer to not have to risk surgery or spend that kind of money if there’s anything I can do to prevent it in the first place. (Yes, I know…the best prevention would have been not gaining weight in the first place but that’s obviously not a place I can go back to.)

I’m trying to keep things as simple for myself right now so I’m avoiding reading too much about weight loss right now — experience tells me that if I start delving too deeply, I get overwhelmed and discouraged and that’s the one thing I can’t afford to have happen right now. I might as well start out as I mean to go on, though, and reread those articles I’d mentioned in that post. Additionally, Janice Elizabeth Small, the weight loss coach I mentioned in that earlier post, has a post called 15 Simple Metabolism Boosting Secrets that suggests some things you can do to boost your metabolism and make weight loss a little bit easier.

Off topic: A couple of days ago, I changed the theme on this blog. I’m not as fond of this theme as I was of ChaoticSoul but this one at least has next post and previous post links on each post, which is the reason for the switch. I’m annoyed that you can’t customize WordPress blogs a great deal unless you install a copy of WordPress on your own site, but that’s the price you pay for a free blog.

Musique du jour:

Who am I kidding? I’ve been listening to Tokio Hotel’s “Durch Den Monsun” on autorepeat for about five hours now. Crazy, I know. But it’s occupying that part of my brain that wants to go have a nap. I’m nearing saturation point on it, though.

Word of the day:

The Urban Dictionary defines it well: “To muck about, wasting time doing something not necessary.” As in “I’ve been faffing about so much that I’ve accomplished nothing in the last two years.”

Continue reading “The Me Project: Day 2 begins”

The Me Project: Day 1

Had to buy new batteries for my scale yesterday. (Here’s a handy tip: don’t store a box of books on top of an electronic scale — it wears out the batteries.) Was dreading actually getting on the thing. Figured I probably weighed 15 more pounds or so more than I did when I last weighed myself on it. But I actually weigh about 15 pounds less than I did when I last weighed myself. So, I’m starting out 30 pounds closer to my goal than I thought I was going to. Sad to say that 30 pounds is just a drop in the bucket.

Now I just need to clean my fridge and buy some real food.

Musique du jour:

Coldplay’s “Viva la Vida”, Cyndi Lauper’s “Into the Nightlife”, and Tokio Hotel’s Scream album

Word of the day:

Scheiße (“shit” in German)
Flows more easily off the tongue than, say, “merde” or my previous choice, “shite”.

Continue reading “The Me Project: Day 1”

The Me Project: Day 0

Feeling very ill right now. Perhaps I can blame it on cheddar meeting mild lactose intolerance. Or the pineapple juice with ginger ale that I drank with the cheese. None of it is combining well in my stomach, but underneath it is also a weird hypoglycemic sensation. Maybe it’s all a manifestation of my inner conflict — I seem to remember going through weeks of this at various points over the last couple of years, where everything I ate made me nauseous.

Have been trying to sort out what I actually want. Or, rather, trying to separate what I need out of the tangled ball of wants and wishes that fills up my head and heart right now. Having to do it through continual, sudden crying jags that are bubbling up out of nowhere isn’t making the job easier. (Some of that I can blame on hormones but it isn’t like this every month so that’s obviously not all it is.)

The conclusion I’ve reached has been that I want to be open to all the Universe has in store for me and I can’t do that if I’m not comfortable in my own skin. That means both being comfortable with how I look and also being more comfortable physically. I’ve passed on so many opportunities for fun because of physical limitations or because I couldn’t get past the cripplingly low self-esteem. Even those chances I’ve taken haven’t always been fully enjoyed because I was worried what people were thinking about me.

But I get overwhelmed at the sheer amount of time this is going to take to do this right. I need to just focus on taking it one day, one hour, one minute at a time, like a recovering alcoholic. Stop thinking about past losses and delayed futures and just concentrate on right here and right now. Concentrate on right now and the future will take care of itself.

So, today is day 0.

My new life…take two

From “It’s not the thing you fling, it’s the fling itself” (a blog written by a very cool young lady whose posts have been sending me to scary places tonight, like Stuff Christians Like), an apropos quote from CS Lewis’ The Four Loves:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

Been there, done that, don’t want to do that any more.

Today I seem to have entered phase II of my crisis. What started two years ago is kicking up again, sans anger. The whirling vortices of pain and sadness are all around, leveling me to the ground when I least expect it. Have forgotten to eat for much of the last two days. That’s me: All Or Nothing Girl. Can’t find the middle ground. Binge or starve. Joy or depression. Cool and confident or completely neurotic. Happy hermit or lonely little girl curled up in a ball in the corner. Up. Down. Up. Down. Without the drama of a good bipolar cycle or some tasty meds to make the ride fun. My friends are far, far away from me, and I’m feeling very small and very lost.

Unfortunately. most of what I wanted or planned for phase I didn’t happen. My fault. I got sidetracked again. Seems that happens when I stop listening to the same song or songs on autorepeat. I stall. Or I just forget what I was doing and go back to sleep. Or get confused and overwhelmed by all the things I can/should/didn’t do.

No more. NO MORE.

I’m done with this Scheiße. I’ve lost two more years to this and I refuse to lose even one more.

Welcome to the Me Project, the reclamation of a derelict body.