The Me Project: Day 44

Have been sick for the last week or so. Not sure what’s going on. Flu? Cold? Allergies gone wild? Insides aren’t happy — don’t know if it is the change of food from takeout to groceries or what. Head is congested and I now have a splitting sinus headache. Alternating between insomnia and narcolepsy again. Thought I’d have been more productive during the holidays, but really accomplished very little that didn’t involve sitting in front of my computer. Which is to say that I accomplished some things, but they weren’t the things I was planning to accomplish. Tu comprends?

I ended up having to trim my finger nails the other day — the cleaning that I did on the 23rd softened the nails so much that they never completely recovered and it was trim them or bite them. Now it’s a fight not to start biting them again. I’m having trouble not biting the skin around them, which is not helping. That’s stress, that is. But a bad way of coping.

Talked to NiK tonight — she was stuck in an intense Vancouver traffic snarl and thought of me. Aw. Unfortunately, her cell phone died in mid-conversation so she probably had to spend the remaining couple of hours with only her stereo for company. Don’t remember what I was in the middle of saying when it cut out — couldn’t have been too important. I miss her. She’s always a bright spot to my day and our conversations are never long enough. I got to bitch commiserate about Scorpios (no, not anyone who might happen to be reading this) in our lives, which was very helpful. LOL

Another year worn down to a nub

So, here I am. Back here again, in much the same place I was this time last year. Not precisely the same place, but near enough that I can feel it nipping at my butt. Still, as close as I am to where I was this time last year, the view is different. Better in some ways, just different in others. Exactly the same in others still.

Still feeling that sense of vibration. It ebbs, it flows, but it persists.

Haven’t looked after myself at all. Volunteered for more than I can mentally handle and so am failing at things I shouldn’t have started. Maybe I’ll learn not to bite off more than I can chew. Strange that my food-bingeing nature extends to other areas of my life. Haven’t ate well, haven’t tried to get healthier. Really need to. I’m so tired I can’t even explain it. It isn’t a normal fatigue, an honest I’ve-done-a-hard-day’s-work kind of tired. It isn’t even an I-haven’t-slept-in-days kind of tired, though I’ve been riddled with insomnia recently. It’s a malnourished, out-of-shape, mentally exhausted, and emotionally spent kind of tired. Totally self-induced, in all likelihood, but that doesn’t help me to overcome it. I don’t even have the energy to feel sad or sorry for myself. Chaos seems to have taken root in my head, my body, and my environment. I need to regain a little control. I know — it seems weird to me, too, that I, control freak that I am, have slipped out of control like this.  

Bought a guitar last year but haven’t touched it since the first couple of weeks. That’s kind of sad. It deserves to be played. My iTunes has cycled back around and McFly is back on top again after disappearing for much of the year. Maybe they’re my introspective, internal growth soundtrack. They’re not alone there this year but they’re headliners.

I’m forever broke — I have taxi-cab and take-out addictions that I need to kick that together are driving me to the poor house.

Still, in all the things I didn’t do, I did manage to do one thing. I did enrol in university part time and have completed one course (of 40) towards my BA. It’s a small step — I have 8+ years ahead of me if I stay at it part-time — but it’s a step forward, a rarity for me these days. And work seems to be going well. Had a few hiccups along the way but feel more positive about it than I have for awhile and it seems to be returning the sentiment.

So, I suppose the year has been a net positive, small though the difference might be. Something to be thankful for, something to be celebrated.

If only I wasn’t so damned tired.

More lost time

Been AWOL for a bit. Losing time faster. Feeling anger starting to build like I was feeling late last year. Need to get a grip on myself.

Cainer’s forecase for yesterday:

There’s definitely a stick. It clearly has two ends. There’s no question that you have hold of one of these ends. But which is the right end, and which is the wrong end. Understandably enough, you want to feel that you’ve aligned yourself correctly. Someone else, though, sees the same situation from the opposite viewpoint. You can’t both be right, can you? As the recent influence between Venus and Neptune now begins to fade, you are seeing a familiar situation in a different light. There’s no shame in changing your mind.

And today:

Minds were made for changing. The only people who form an opinion and then maintain it for the rest of their lives without ever questioning it again, are bigots or idiots. Strangely, though, we often feel a little ashamed about confessing that we have come to see a situation differently. We should, though, feel proud that we have developed enough wisdom to outgrow a previous position. Although, if we are truly wise, we will not be proud, just quietly humble! Embrace a new perspective this weekend.

Dammit!

Lots of lightning out there tonight. No thunder yet, which is weird. Must be really far away.

3 months down and gone

Have lost so many days…and so much momentum. I’ve taken off the next week to try to find my way back onto the path but I can’t even see it from where I’m standing. Some changes are marching forward but others have stuck tight in the past. I’m being stretched to breaking point between them. I’m so burned out, so tired, with absolutely no real reason for feeling that way. Things that had interested me before are beginning to make me angry…or apathetic. (They’re not as far apart as you would think.)

I’m losing track of time again

I’m losing track of the weeks again. Time is slipping past me at an alarming rate. The days seem normal but they pile up quickly and before I know it, another week has gone by.